Hi Munchkin,

I want you to know that mommy and daddy loves you very much.  And we miss you.  We miss saying goodnight to you and saying good morning to you.  I know you had no choice in what happened, and Mommy can't blame you.  And she can't blame herself or daddy either.  Something just happened and only God knows what did happen. 

And although you're not here with us, I still think about you.  And I will never see your face I still wonder what you'd look like.   If you would have mommy's eyes or daddy's nose.  I know that one day, I will meet you in another place at a later time. 

I know that this isn't much.  But mommy needed to say her goodbyes.  It all happened so fast, I couldn't tell you goodbye like I had hoped.  The past few weeks have been very special to me, and to have that taken away so fast left mommy a little dizzy. 

Mommy and Daddy miss you.  And we love you.  And we will think about you whenever we can.  You are in a better place.  And yes, Mommy hates the fact that you are gone, but mommy also knows that it's for the best.  We will never forget you.  And we will always love you.  You were are little suprise that changed our lives.

We love you Munchkin!  And we miss you.

Love always,

Mommy and Daddy

Let's start out with the current.  My dad is in the hospital and although he's on the way to getting better, it will be a long uphill battle.  He's never really taken good care of himself and it's now showing.  I cannot believe that things have gone down this path and it's a huge pill to swallow.  Although him and I have a strained relationship it's still hard to imagine him gone and to think that one day he'll be gone.  That one day my mom will be gone.  That sooner or later I won't have parents.  I've never been good with mortality, because the people I love the most just will not die before me. 

Not like David.

He past away in late October in a freak car accident.  Damn.

And while I'm still moving on, I feel like I'm stuck in between the stage of being a child and being an adult.  I wish that one day I can wake up and feel like I'm mature.  I know that that is not possible in the slightest, but I can still hope.

Living situations are just that.  Tough and unpredictable.  I'm constantly worried that we're going to lose the house and I will not have the money to go and find a place to live.  Sometimes I wish that we would, so maybe I would have an out.  I know it sounds terrible to say but it's the truth.

I love my roommate but some days I wonder if things will ever be different.  I've never been the one to motivate other people, and that's something she needs.  I want things to get better, but I don't think they will.  For the simple fact that I don't think she wants things to get better.  I think she is content with the worry that's assoicated with our situation. 

Money, like everyone right now, is tight.  I look at my wallet and realize that if I don't get a second job, I may never get over the proverty line.  I've been poor before, and let me tell you, it's not fun.  Right now I worry if it's going to be food or electric...  Man, when did this happen? 

And do to the things that are going on right now; I'm stressed beyond belief.  I hardly sleep, I hardly eat.   And some days I have to force myself to do either. 

I wish that I could say that moving was one of the best decisions I've ever made, but it's not.   I was very naive to do it and I'm realizing as I sit in my dad's hallway typing this that I wish I could just stay here.  As much as I love York and my roommate...it's not home.  I love the busyness of where I live now, but when its late at night, I dream of being back in my bed, in my little town, with my friends.  Maybe I'm just being selfish but I don't want to have to deal with the worry that you have in a big city.  Jenn will not stiffle her wishes for me to come back...and honestly, I might actually do it.  Not saying that it'll be overnight, but I'm actually thinking about coming back. 

I wish I could write more but as I'm typing this I know I need to pack some more things up to take back to York.  And it's only going to be worse once the tears start to roll down my check, so I might as well start while I'm feeling jaded. 

Peace and love,
Amanda